Monday, June 8, 2009

Emotions I've never experienced

Last week was one of the hardest weeks I've ever had. Having little energy and physically not being able to do what my mind wants me to do has been a major mental struggle for me. I've always seemed to be in control of my emotions, my pain, etc. I gave birth to both kids without even a Tylenol and did just fine because I've always been able to control my mind to accomplish what I want to accomplish. My body has been through a lot in the last 6 weeks...strep throat, pneumonia, vasculitous, open lung biopsy, chemo therapy then the stomach flu. I understand how trying that can be on someones body. These things have really taken a toll on my body so my energy level has been very low while my pain from the open lung biopsy has been high. After laying around for a week or so because that's all I could do after peeling myself out of bed, my emotions have really taken a turn for the worst. Once I was physically able to get up...I no longer wanted to. It only took my a few days to realize I was on the wrong path. I immediately started talking with Deron, my mom and family about my emotions. I felt as if I was spiralling into depression at a rapid pace. I had no control of my emotions...I was sad most of the time...crying the other times...didn't want to get dressed into normal day clothes...I wanted to do nothing besides eat only a little bit and sleep. I needed help. At the end of this last week my family got together twice for my cousin Justin's graduation party from high school and my cousin Kohl's graduation from Medical School. Congrats boys...I'm very proud of you both. Thank goodness Michelina (an amazing woman in our family) came to Kohl's grad luncheon. I had her sit next to me so she could help me pull my head out of my rear. She and I stayed at the restaurant for 2 hours after the family left and we talked. It was just what I needed. Deron and I did go to our doctor today and talked about my increasing pain I've been having. I've been doubling up on my pain meds some days just to get by. Each time I have increased pain, pain in a new area, etc...I think...I hope this pain is not from the cancer continuing to spread. It's hard for your mind not to go there. My pain has been from my ribs still being very sore and my lung healing but I've also had a lot of pain from my upper back to my lower back and all in between. Today our PA said she is almost certain my pain is from the Neulasta shot (white cell booster). That shot causes extreme bone pain. I only thought the pain lasted for 3 days after the shot was given. I didn't realize it lasts for a few weeks. They will check my blood work I did today and see how high my white count is and probably reduce the amount of the Neulasta shot the next time. In the meantime, they have given me break through pain meds to keep me comfortable. I have chemo this next Monday, June 15th. Keep praying with us that it will go much better with no flu. We will also be checking on events at the Wellness Community to get us and our kids involved. My friend Michelle and her kids are the poster family this month so check them out if you get a chance.

Deron and I are striving to improve everyday. Love God and each other.

Kim

9 comments:

KA said...

Sweet Kim~Please know you and yours are in my thoughts and prayers. Please know God is holding you in the palm in His hands as you travel this journey! Hugs and love to you!

Stefany Pew said...

Did to what KA said! We are all praying for you Kim. I will say extra prayers this time around that the chemo won't affect you as badly as it did this last round. Keep going strong Kim! There's only so much you can take. You have been so strong mentally up until now and it's VERY NORMAL to have some downs every now and then. No one can even imagine what you are feeling. I wish there was something we could all do to make it go away. Miracles happen everyday!!! I love you!

Carol Urban said...

I continue to pray for God's healing for you. I think of you every day and hope your pain subsides. God bless!

ts said...

Kim-This is Steve Silvernail from Apollo. I am glad to see you back online. I have been following, and have been inspired by, your difficult year, and like so many others I want to do something to help. If you are comfortable with the idea, Apollo volleyball would like to have Kim Gwaltney Miller Night on Sept. 1, our first home game. We would use the occasion to bring together a lot of your old Hawk friends, raise public awareness, and fund raise. Let me know (my email is zzqnail@aol.com). Stay strong. Coach

Michelle said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry. I know what you are going through is SO hard. We should get together. This weekend?

Rannyjean said...

Kim:
I thank God for your openness. My mom hasn't started her Chemo yet, but she is to have the shot tomorrow, I will fill her in on what she can expect. You are my inspiration for her at this time. You and Deron are always in my prayers!

Jen Bartee said...

Kim- You continue to be inspirational, even through your toughest times. You always get back on track. It was great to see you. We continue to pray for all of you!!!!!!

Jen

gloriaisis1 said...

Kim,

You are a blessing & inspiration to us all. You are always in our thoughts & prayers. May God fill your heart & soul with his love & let you know he is carrying you right now. Don't get down since your kids, family and friends are praying for you. By Jesus' stripes you are healed & will be. Your determination & drive is who Kim is! Many miracles will start happening soon....you will see! I truly believe God is already healing you. I need to drop off some books & CD's for you to hear to fill you with God's peace & love. Thank you. If someone from Channel 5 News calls you, I nominated you to receive $500 they are giving away . Take care & God bless...Love, Gloria, Patrick & Katharine Lee

Bre said...

Well, I knew what I was going to say and then I ready Coach Silvernail's message and now I'm a weepy mess. That is so awesome. You are such an inspiration, Kim. You are in our hearts, minds, and prayers. You have so many people who love and care for you. Lean on your loved ones when you feel you don't have the strength. Love and thinking of you always.

xoxo Bre